Please help ban fox hunting. This madness must be stopped! 

Signed, Peter Cottontail!

Thanks to Linda for sending these in. Some old, some new but all worth reading.

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, ‘But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!’ I will  probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, ’62′. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, ‘Did you start at  1?’

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the  room, she  heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, ‘Who was THAT?’ Read the rest of this entry »

(Submitted by Annette)

The economy is so bad:

• CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
• Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.
• Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
• PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings.
• McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
• The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
• Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the U.S.?”
• Motel Six won’t leave the light on.
• The Mafia has started laying off judges.

Stephen Wright is one of my favorite comedians. His dead-pan delivery and unique take on every-day situations makes me laugh. I am not sure if he wrote these, but they sound like him. Thanks to Annette for forwarding them to me. Enjoy

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• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• Follow your dreams! Except for that one where you are naked in church.
• Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
• Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory is not as sharps as it used to be.
• In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to Stangman for sharing these funny tidbits.

IDIOT  SIGHTING: 
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the  opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a  1/4
horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘No, it’s  not.’ Four is larger than two..’        

We  haven’t used that repairman since. Read the rest of this entry »

(I don’t know who wrote these but they are the funniest lines about golf I have ever read. I choked on a pretzel while reading them. Thankfully, I was able to wash it down with a beer. Thanks to fellow duffer and friend Garland for forwarding them to me.)

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it. 

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during 
your swing. 

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one 
more club or two more balls. 

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome 
ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can Read the rest of this entry »

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I might have it!! 
Recently, I was tentatively diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.  A  I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. Read the rest of this entry »

Old age, I have decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.  Oh, not my body!  I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.  And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I’ve aged, I’ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. Read the rest of this entry »

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursinghome at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing. Read the rest of this entry »

Submitted by Chuck Baker:

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) 

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, that is enough to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that’s more like it!) Read the rest of this entry »