Submitted by Greg.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. Read the rest of this entry »

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in  their cart.

 

‘What do you think you’re doing?’  asks the wife. 

  

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he  replies. 

  

‘Put them back, we can’t afford  them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.   

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the  basket.   

 

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the  husband. 

  

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’  replies the wife.   

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’  

 

That’s how I got my black eye!

 

A much coveted trophy from the Bass & Ass Tournament. You be the judge as to who won it one year.

By Lamar Thames 

     (My wife and I have a group of very good friends — the group includes some relatives, too, I might add — who live in Orlando and are known, rather informally, as the Steak and Ale Gang. Members of the group have pretty much gone their separate ways in recent years but we get together on occasion. A gathering of the gang is being organized and in tribute to them here is an account I wrote of an activity the gang used to participate in known as the Bass & Ass Tournament. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed composing it.) 

         I had heard so many stories about the infamous Bass & Ass Tournament that I was both anxious and nervous about the impending experience when my first invitation arrived.

      In essence, the Bass & Ass weekend was an exercise in machoism to celebrate the summer season at the Lago D’ Oro Golf and Country Club, deep in the Ocala National Forest.
     The much-anticipated event had been hosted on and off for more than two decades by a trio of Orlando residents who held the lease on a rustic cabin on the shores of Lake Dorr — or Lago D’ Oro, as the Spanish explorers called it because of the water’s deep golden color. Read the rest of this entry »

Submitted by Chuck Baker:

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) 

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, that is enough to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that’s more like it!) Read the rest of this entry »

If you like this cartoon titled “Revenge is Sweet”, check out the Dec. 13, 2008 file under gallery above for more of the same. Thanks to Garland for sharing them.

      Jacksonville, FL. – A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Duval County courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

        The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

    When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Jacksonville Jaguars, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

     John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’,and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

     This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.     Read the rest of this entry »

NEW TURKEY RECIPE 
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN! 
You should try this! 
Sure to bring smiles from your guests! 
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.  Read the rest of this entry »

     Thanks to Chuck for sending this to me:        

     A  man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. 

     He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

      ‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Read the rest of this entry »

KIDS ARE QUICK

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TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America . 
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America? Read the rest of this entry »