(I don’t know who wrote these but they are the funniest lines about golf I have ever read. I choked on a pretzel while reading them. Thankfully, I was able to wash it down with a beer. Thanks to fellow duffer and friend Garland for forwarding them to me.)

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it. 

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during 
your swing. 

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one 
more club or two more balls. 

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome 
ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can
immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and 
top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas 
about the golf swing. 

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. 

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of 
the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for 
all of your many other errors. 

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. 

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck. 

It is surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt. For a score of 10. 

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like 
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.   

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. 

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.   

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a 
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large 
tree. 

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a 2-inch branch 90 percent 
of the time. 

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a 
much earlier age. 

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually 
the beginning of the next group of three.   

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again 
at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you 
ever want to see it again. 

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple 
bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to 
lay up just short of a water hazard.   

To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of 
his backswing by his handicap; I.e., backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, 
downswing — 300 mph. 

One of my personal favorites: 
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the 
top and checking the position of your hands: (1) How many hands you have 
and (2) which one is wearing the glove. 

Hazards attract; fairways repel. 

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. 

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is 
in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the 
footprint. 

It’s easier to get up at 6 a.m. to play golf than at 10 to mow the 
yard. 

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up 
the game. 

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up 
having to pray a lot. 

A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you 
are. That’s why I get so many calls to play with friends. 

If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life. 

Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And 
you need to buy fresh ones each week. 

It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will 
replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. 

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a 
seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).   

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a 
brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a 
cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain 
surgery!