Stephen Wright is one of my favorite comedians. His dead-pan delivery and unique take on every-day situations makes me laugh. I am not sure if he wrote these, but they sound like him. Thanks to Annette for forwarding them to me. Enjoy

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• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• Follow your dreams! Except for that one where you are naked in church.
• Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
• Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory is not as sharps as it used to be.
• In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• The statement below is true.
• The statement above is false.
• I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
• I am not your type. I am not inflatable.
• I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
• When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named my “Fred.”
• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
• I am having an out-of-money experience.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
• As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful.” ”It’s not just one car,” Herman said. “It’s hundreds of them.”