I didn’t write this but it is just too funny to pass up. Yesterday I was buying a large bag of dog food for Rusty the wonder dog at a local discount store and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

(Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.)

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, the woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a beagle’s butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

The store won’t let me shop there anymore.